Pussies, like dust mops, are fuzzy and collect loose dirt. Licking at the filth only gives them unbearable breath and coats the color of mud, which means bathing at least once a week.

Now, it is well know how pussies feel about water. They don't mind looking, but they hate to touch. There are many documented cases of pussies falling into water-filled bathtubs and escaping without getting wet.

Herewith, then, is a simple guide to giving your pussy a bath, which, if followed to the letter, will result in a great deal of pain and disappointment for everyone.

STEP ONE: Fill the bathtub with scalding water. By the time you get your pussy into the tub, the water temperature will be comfortable. If not, having your pussy neutered will no longer be a problem.

STEP TWO: Lay out all the supplies you are going to need: soap, sponge, washcloth, scrub- brush, iodine, gauze, band-aids, vaseline, rubber gloves, plunger, whip, chair, pistol, mace, and a pussy dictionary turned to the phrase: "Mommy, mommy, mommy." Pray.

STEP THREE: Now it's time to get your pussy's confidence. Take it to a movie; buy it a malted; treat it to an all-night session at a people house. Talk to it quietly; pet it on the neck, and show it pictures of chickens. Then, when your pussy is good and relaxed, when its mind is at ease, and it's purring and drowsy and content, strike it in the forehead with a monkey wrench.

STEP FOUR: Carry the limp pussy to the tub and place it gently on a bath mat. Working quickly, smear the sides of the tub with vaseline so the pussy will not be able to claw its way out once immersed.

Test the temperature of the water by holding the pussy's head in the shallow end. This will do two things. It will revive your pussy. It will invest it with the fear of God.

STEP FIVE: Put your pussy completely in the water. This is sometimes done more easily by placing a jukebox on the bridge of its nose. Stroke your pussy gently during what will be a first few seconds of berserk insanity. If it does not calm down after a few moments, smack it sharply in the groin.

STEP SIX: Try stroking your pussy with a soapy sponge. If your pussy is still a bit tense and indicates its discomfort by, say, opening a running wound from your eyebrow to your elbow, dump a cup of laundry detergent into the water. Then, using an electric mixer, beat the water at medium speed, scraping the sides of the tub occasionally to make sure the pussy is evenly mixed.

When you finish, you will have a hairball the size of Cleveland.

STEP SEVEN: Using the same wrist action you would employ to throw a hard slider, snatch your soaked pussy from the water by taking its tail and whipping it smartly about your head until it is barely damp. Then throw it into a dryer with the controls set for "wool." While your pussy is being fluff-dried, take two aspirin and have someone you love give you a back rub.

STEP EIGHT: Buy yourself a dog.