When you get up in the morning and sit down to breakfast, you will discover pussy hairs in your coffee.

When you get dressed to go to work, you will discover pussy hair on your trousers.

When you take out your hanky to blow your nose, more pussy hairs.

You will have pussy hairs on your carpet, pussy hairs on your favorite chair, pussy hairs on all your clothes, and pussy hairs in everything you eat.

And that's not the worst part. When you sit down to supper at the end of a long day and you can't find the pussy hair, you will get very nervous. You know it's there someplace, and you sure as hell don't want to eat it. So you spend the entire meal examining every forkful of food very carefully, holding it up to the light, studying it for the telltale wisp. Finally, your dinner ruined and your stomach sour, you go into the next room for a smoke, stick a cigarette into your mouth, and, just as you are about to light it, discover something under your tongue. A pussy hair.

While you can never eliminate them completely, there are some steps you can take to keep the pussy hair situation under control.

Brushing Your Pussy: Do this at least twice a day. Buy a stiff bristled brush and stroke your pussy up and down at least 100 times. After you do this for three or four days, your pussy will have shiny, glossy coat and you will have collected enough hair to stuff a mattress the size of British Columbia.

Vacuuming Your Pussy: This is for people who don't have enough time to brush their pussies. Stand on your pussy's tail to keep it from: a. running away, b. being sucked into the vacuum cleaner. Your pussy will not like this at first. Give it a little time. Later, he will learn to hate it.

Shellacking Your Pussy: If you don't have the time to groom your pussy every day, this is a practical if somewhat extreme way of keeping all the pussy hairs where they belong: on the pussy. It has other advantages as well. Instead of having to let the little critter out at night, you can just lean it in a corner. Or use it as a door jamb. Or buy it a zoot suit and a watch chain and teach it to do a Cab Calloway impression.