Your Pussy and your Furniture

furniture pussy
One of the biggest problems pussy owners have is what pussies do to furniture. They scratch it and tear it and rip the stuffing out of it. They lie on it and roll around on it and leave hairs all over it. They walk on it instead of walking on the floor and they bury little surprises behind the cushions and they think it is a swell place to leave hairballs.

No one has yet come up with a fool-proof solution to the problem, but there are some tried and true alternatives that do work. Sometimes.

Teaching Your Pussy To Respect Your Furniture: If you have an intelligent pussy, this is an~pproach that has a lot of merit. Bring home furniture catalogs and show your pussy that the couch it is currently tearing the stuffing out of is now selling for $1495 plus tax. Repeat the lesson for the end table with the gouges and the love seat with the vomit stain. If you do not seem to be getting through, bring out a catalog of pussy coffins and point out how much more inexpensive they are than your furniture. This has been known to kindle the light of understanding in more than one pussy.

Reasoning With Your Pussy: Sometime after dinner during the mellow part of the evening, invite your pussy into the library for some brandy and cigars. While you are both sitting and reflecting quietly about life, puffing on your Havanas and sipping your Hennessey Four-Star, trying not to look at the rip in your new $9000 leather arm chair, ask your pussy if it thinks it is fair for one of you to work and slave so that the other can spend its time destroying everything in the house. Talk rationally about the need for civility and respect for property. Say that you know things can be worked out if only certain pussies would try. Be sober and straightforward and sincere. If that doesn't work, trick your pussy into tearing the "Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty of Law" tag off of the sofa, then turn him in.

Stuffing Your Furniture Into The Closet: Every time you go out of the house or leave the room, stuff your furniture into the closet.

Stuffing Your Pussy Into The Closet: Every time you go out of the house or leave the room, stuff your pussy into the closet.

Buying Cement Furniture: Buy cement furniture. It does not collect hair and cannot have the stuffing torn out of it, since it is the stuffing. This is only good if you live on the ground floor.

Treating Your Furniture With A Foreign Substance: Some people say it is possible to put a foreign substance on your furniture that will discourage your pussy from going near it. They say lemon juice is good because it makes your pussy pucker and pussies don't like to pucker. The problem with that, though, is that you will be up to your ankles in saliva most of the time. Other people claim carbolic acid will do the trick. Other people claim this is stupid. Most people agree with that.

Putting Your Pussy In A Plastic Bag: This approach has its drawbacks. It's no fun having a pussy if you can't take it out and play with it. However, this approach also has its advantages. It tends to keep all the loose hair in one place. But you decide what's more important to you. A neat pussy, or a breathing pussy.

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