Your pussy and your fern

fern pussy
Many people who have a pussy also have a fern.

It is not as unusual as you might think. What is unusual, though, is finding a way to get your pussy to leave your fern alone.

Pussies like to play with ferns, and they like to eat them, too. They shred the poor fern's leaves and bite off the poor fern's stems, and pretty soon the fern is all brown and shriveled and not much good to anyone anymore.

How to keep your pussy away from your fern? Good question. Here are 5 possible answers.

Change Your Pussy's Diet: What your pussy is trying to tell you is that it wants more greens in its diet. This is mainly a problem with indoor rather than outdoor pussies, who can molest ferns at will. Try giving it some chopped lettuce with its dinner. Better still, plant some grass in an indoor planter. That way, pussy can have an appetizer before it gets down to the serious business of eating your fern.

Make Your Fern Seem Less Appealing: One way to keep pussy at bay is to doctor your fern to make it seem less desirable. Try painting it orange. Or smearing it with succotash. Pussies hate succotash. Use your imagination. If you were are a pussy, what would make you lose interest in a fern?

Make Your Fern Less Accessible: If your pussy can't get at it, your fern will be safe from damage. So try suspending it from the ceiling, too high for your pussy to jump up to. Or lock it in the wine cabinet. Or take a picture of it and send the fern to your mother's, then put the picture where the fern used to be. Your pussy will eat the picture by mistake and get a tummy ache and learn a valuable lesson.

Buy Your Fern Some Protection: Go to a place that sells exotic plants and buy a Venus Pussy Eater. Put it next to your fern. This is cruel but can be effective.

Alter Your Pussy's Behavior Patterns: Teach your pussy that eating your fern is not a good thing. Teach it this by saying a loud word every time you see your pussy eating your fern. If this does not work and you start getting hoarse, try switching to a loud sound to scare your pussy away. If this does not work, cover your pussy with mayonnaise and put it between two slices of bread. Say you want to show it what it feels like to be eaten. Depending on how far you wish to carry the charade, this could end the problem once and for all.

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