"How to feed your pussy" is a whole lot different than "What to feed your pussy." Because if they are in the mood, the hairy little beggars will eat until they puff up like adders and their eyes fall out. If they are not in the mood, they will not eat anything at all. For days. This section really ought to be called "Getting your pussy in the mood," but that's another story altogether.

Experts tell us there are three ways to cope with recalcitrant pussies when it comes to feeding: The Your-Whim-Is-My-Command approach; the Ess, Ess, Mine Pussy approach; and the Up-Your-Nose-With-A-Rubber-Hose approach.

The Your-Whim-Is-My-Command Approach: Pussy has not eaten in three days, and you are dreadfully worried. What if the cute little thing faints from hunger in the middle of the street and gets run over by a car. Or gets caught by the boxer next door. What to do, what to do? Simple. Cater to its every desire, real or imagined. Your pussy is spending a lot of time near the sofa? That must mean it wants food that begins with the letter "s." Better not take any chances. Rush right out and buy sausage and spaghetti and sauerkraut and soda crackers and Swiss Cheese and Spumoni and salad and salmon and sugar beets and sweetbreads and seltzer water and salt pork. While you're laying it all out, pussy will eat your tuna fish sandwich.

The Ess, Ess, Mine Pussy Approach: Pussy has not eaten in three days, and you are dreadfully worried. What if the cute little thing faints from hunger in the middle of the street and the neighbors find it and accuse you of being a bad cook. Or it starts hallucinating and runs away with a pussy from the wrong side of the tracks. What to do, what to do? Simple. Prepare every dish you can think of, no matter what the cost, and lock your pussy in a room with all the food, all the while talking to it in coaxing, motherly tones. Later, when you unlock the door, the cat will have tipped over all the bowls and everything will have run together in a big, disgusting, smelly mess. But not to worry. While pussy is polishing off a pouch of dry food, you can serve it to your husband Morris and tell him it's a new recipe for goulash.

The Up-Your-Nose-With-A-Rubber-Hose Approach: Pussy has not eaten in three days, and frankly you don't give a damn. You hope the little pest faints from hunger in the middle of the street and is run over by a Mack truck. Or is dragged to Tiajuana by the boxer next door and left there with child. But your kids are crying and whining and begging you to make things okay. So you put on work pants, a flannel shirt and heavy gloves and close yourself in a room with the cat, a steel funnel and three pounds of dry pet food. Holding the squirming pussy firmly between your knees, you force the funnel into its mouth and start to pour in the nourishment. Later, when the deep scratch that runs from your eyebrow to your ankle heals, you will be arrested for trying to burn down the ASPCA.